A Few of My Favorite, Latest Palin Rumors…

…In reverse order of truthiness.

1. Track Palin joined the Army to avoid jail time for drugs.

The skinny: Wasilla is the “meth capital of Alaska.” There are rumors Track was one of three unnamed teenagers charged with vandalizing 44 school buses while drunk. The neat dirt here is that the prom queen made her son’s military service a key part of her acceptance speech. Add this to her knocked up teenage daughter and you’ve got a conservative base that will have to kick it into Super-Heavy-Denail-Rationalization-Gear to keep up the family values bullshit.

2.Levi Johnston will not marry Bristol Palin.

This one is a slam-dunk (in the you know, non-Bush Iraq War kinda way.) There is no chance on earth that this kid’s parents will forcce him to get married at age 18 and move off to Washington DC with some teenage alcholic slut and her derranged parents. What, you think his parents are that shitty? That’d make ‘em shitty like, uh, Sarah Palin or something. This one is in the bank. After Nov 4 there is ZERO chance of this wedding happening. It’s just more GOP bullshit.

3.Sarah Palin is a rude, bitch. Or As McCain liks to call his wife, “a cunt.”

This isn’t even really a rumor is it? This is just a fucking fact. No real need to type up any snappy patter on this one. She’s speaks for herself— when McCain let’s her.